friendship

I finished reading all of African Friends and Money Matters, by David Marantz, which Kate, Brian and Dave were kind enough to include in their January shipment to us of things we neglected to bring. It was published by SIL, but nobody here had a copy handy.

The book explores lots of topics, but the title gives some clues about where Westerners often run into trouble in Africa. It's been helpful to me in understanding some unfamiliar and difficult things. If you like the book, you can find it on Amazon. It was recommended by a friend who worked in Zambia for awhile as the one essential thing to read before living here as a Westerner. I second that.

Interpersonal relations between Africans and Westerners in Africa may be friendly and even cordial, and typically are, but developing significant friendships on a personal level requires considerable effort. For many Africans it is difficult to forget history, the relationships of power that the white man represented and still represents, the economic disparities, the color of skin, and perhaps above all the great cultural differences. Of these the most significant one is the important place that material resources are given in African friendships.

25. [for Africans] A network a friends is a network of resources. A disinterested friendship is something without sense. It is only natural to expect material benefit from friendships. To a Westerner this comes close to buying friendship, or of seeking and having friends for what one can get out of them.

25W. Disinterested friendship is the ideal in the West. Any friendship that includes material considerations is suspect.

It is helpful to consider several factors that lead to the [Westerner's] doubt about relationships. First, when these questions arise, it is good to remember that the Westerner and the African live on very different socioeconomic levels, with the African considering the Westerner to be rich and himself to be poor, with much cultural behavior flowing from these differences. Second, many Africans are ready to use casual meetings or acquaintances as a means to gain personal profit.... Very different relationships can be built with [affluent Africans] as socioeconomic equals. In these relationships it is often the African who represent higher economic and social classes than do the Westerners.

-- however --

28. Visiting [by Africans] is concentrated on friends and acquaintances who are actively part of a person's economic network.

and

29. Most [social] networking [by Africans] is done horizontally or "up" and seldom "down" socially or economically.

So opportunities for egalitarian relationships, which is to say a real personal friendship in Western terms, are rare.

This may seem cold written out on the page like this. But it's a fact of life here, and something I've been struggling with a lot lately. Ann doesn't, much, except on my behalf. We have very different personal boundaries, and some of what we want from this trip differs as well. Plus I'm male, 6'4" tall, my hair buzzed short for comfort in the heat, and older than she is, so perhaps we elicit different expectations. People who look like me have the power and the money, to be blunt, and Ann is a woman, which here tends to mean not much of either, alas.

I'm clear on why I'm here and what I'm doing, but I'm often unclear on how to respond to people on an individual level, especially people with whom I don't already share a work or social context. People here have lots and lots of friends, according to Maranz, and are always trying to enlarge their circle of acquaintances, especially upwards as clients to patrons from whom they can benefit materially, relationships then maintained by frequent and unannounced home visits (something mercifully rare in our experience). I tend to take my time getting to know people past a certain point of cordiality, I value my privacy, and I avoid people who take advantage of my friendliness to impose on me.

I am a bad fit for Africa. The positive way to formulate this insight is that I have a lot to learn from living here.

None of this is a shock to me. I have been to Africa before, and I at least skimmed Maranz's book before we came here in October, so I had some idea of how it would be. Our work relationships at RELUFA are friendly partnerships free of these misunderstandings. And Ann is untroubled by this. But it's still perplexing for me to know how to just accept all this, and to know how to deal with people when it comes up. But if the Devil's in the details, God is too.