So you want to drive taxi here in Yaounde? Well first you need a car. Any car will do, as long as it’s a small four-door with a manual transmission. Obtain your official taxi driver placard from whatever bureau grants them, and hang it proudly from your rearview mirror. (It’s a 4x6 laminated card featuring the driver’s photo, name, and driver ID#) Get the car spray painted bright yellow, so that everyone will know it’s a taxi, and paint your car’s official vehicle number in a small colored circle on both front doors.
While you’re painting, this is your opportunity to make your car special! For example, instead of a circle, you could paint your vehicle number in another shape, like a tennis racket, a heart, or a nike swoosh. (Which I’ve heard people refer to as ‘la griffe de Nike’ – literally, the claw of Nike. Interesting…) Racing stripes are popular, as are stars, which you can paint on your rearview mirrors, your bumpers, or anywhere else they fit. On your car’s fuel port, you may wish to write your taxi’s preferred fuel type, ‘diesel’ or ‘super’ or ‘gasoil.’ And on the back of your vehicle, you may wish to paint its speed (always 60 km/h, which everyone knows is a lie, because you’ll either be going much slower stuck in traffic or trolling for fares, or much faster if you’re not) and its passenger capacity (always 5 places, though that means cramming two bodies in the front bucket seat) in fancy script. You may wish to remove the cranks from all windows but your own, so that passengers won’t go rolling their windows up and down willy-nilly. Keep one crank handy, so if a passenger works up the audacity to ask you about rolling down the window, you can grudgingly hand them the loose crank, and they can struggle to fit it on the metal stub and roll down their window. You can dangle small decorative balls from your rear bumper, install a flashy light inside the car, and even glue small green heart-shaped transparencies over your headlights. And finally, for maximum collection of dust and sweat, you can throw in some orange or brown fake fur seat covers – but that’s strictly optional.
Once your taxi is ready for the road, you need some passengers. Go out and join your fellow (and yes, they’re always fellows, never women) taximen in the streets of Yaounde. Don’t worry, even though taxis comprise more than half of the total traffic, there will always be enough passengers to go around. Some wait alongside the road in certain designated areas, some crowd at the edge of the markets with their purchases, some walk along, hoping to catch a ride on their way. If people have bags or parcels or small children with them, they can put them (well, not the children) in the trunk, which usually does not quite close properly. They key is to keep your taxi filled to maximum capacity at all times, which means three in back (plus perhaps a baby or two), two in front bucket seat, plus driver.
Anyone could be a potential passenger, so it’s important to communicate your readiness to be their taxi. The way to do this is, of course, with your horn. A well-placed honk can mean a myriad of things: I’m available. State your fare and destination. I accept; get in. Get the hell out of my way. What are you doing?? Hey, don’t you want a ride? Surely you don’t want to WALK to wherever you’re going. Over here! Et cetera. It’s amazing how much you can say just by honking your horn. Although to the untrained ear, it probably just sounds like a whole lot of gratuitous horn-honking.
Now that you’re loading in passengers and honking away with the best of them, it’s time to make sure you have the appropriate driving skills. When you’re on the well-paved open road, you must go as fast as possible. Pass anything in your way, no matter whether on the left or right, over the center lane, into oncoming traffic…let nothing dissuade you. If you’re driving in more crowded areas and there are two lanes of traffic going your way, and if those two lanes are not going fast enough for your liking, you are free to create a third lane, either straddling the center line (causing opposing traffic to honk at you) or on the shoulder of the road (causing pedestrians to dive for the ditch). When you reach a rond point (roundabout), shoot around it on the innermost lane, then race to cross the four or five lanes of traffic necessary to reach your desired side street. When you reach a Carrefour (crossroads), simply play ‘chicken’ with any other vehicles who might drive into your way as you make your turn. If they are privately owned cars, of course they will stop to let you through, not wanting to be dented by a taxi like you. If they are other taxis, well, may the strongest taximan win. You can always yell at the other driver if he cuts it too close.
Well, that’s about all you need to know. Remember to use your full range of speeds, from very fast for passing, to very sloooow for trolling for fares, to a complete stop for bad traffic jams. Be sure to listen to your radio if you have one, music or news or perhaps an annoying comedy show at maximum volume. But turn it down at least a little from time to time so you can hear potential passengers outside your window saying their destinations and the amount they’re willing to pay. When dropping people off, if you bother to pull off to the side, be sure to scare a few pedestrians by nearly running into them. It’s your right as a taximan. And remember, show your taxi love! Whether or not you have a heart painted on the side of the car, people have got to love you, because really, how else are they going to get around?
